Good Day

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If I have a good day I would have a field day into the sun’s heat day and not a word for low pay. You say you want to be, but this is all I see and until you do as I please don’t mind if I sit and I weep. Because all I do is sob filling a water’s tide to bob and haven’t found my way home as all hearts I see have been dethroned. You want me to see the real you but the mirrors black and white and you are see through. Transparent in all of your ways making me swim until depths into days, and I want my life back without haze, please listen I’m here, that okay? Take the time to know what is mine, for my heart’s broken from the worst kind of pine, into the other I lined around the tracks for him to find, and now I get here to you, again and again I can’t be put through, this nightmarish of a movie times two. We’re not meant to be you and I so I tried and I tried and I cried, I even asked him up there and said what’s going on you big guy? But he didn’t have anything to say except the other one’s on his on way. And watch as he skips to the beat, you’ll be aghast to think something so neat. You may be crazed over him here for you and amazed it’s just going to be you two, but this life’s pain won’t live without gain so keep your mindset on things away from insane. Because when they says it’s insane it’s real, not mundane and a really big deal. But if you came up to him with eyes on aim and you walked and you talked quite a big game,  he might really want his heart’s steal and might take you up on the offer of meal. So have fun to you he said, and now I don’t have so much of that dread. Because when it comes from above it’s the head and I once didn’t believe what was said. but here I am fighting until dead, unbelievable you should mark these words read. And if they go small don’t fill up with dread. It’s apples and oranges gone simply to bed. Such is life that I learned with the fruit, i’ll bear what i can without any rebut. And I won’t let you go now or then, or refute anything marked of words sent, and well you really are looking so cute. Keep me in mind with those eyes on to you. It’s really me he said, just keep hanging  tight. So I did and I did and I did. But I see him now and feel like a kid. On earth there’s so many lonely parts under these lids, then you find the master of arts, coming to you to with not such a low bid. Reminding you that it’ll happen just from behind and when you meet you wont feel anything but time. So fun I had to explain things of mine. Don’t stop or ye won’t find, the beating heart that wants to solidify mine. It’s always going to just be you and just I, so don’t stop for anything except that one guy.

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Cosmos

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Starry night starry night. The first star I wish upon is in the night tonight. And when I wished and saw that star I swore into the night. It came to twilight’s of twilight’s of stars within sight. Shooting across a sky so bright, the darkness within the supernova of light. A sky of cosmos unyielding from fight. At first I said no, said it with might. But then you came in, came into delight. Leaving me weak, restless and tight, is a soulmate who hears the whispers so light. Telling you the story, of our stories sight, we hold hands simple and tight. Begin upon the journey, our journey within sight. One day we’d wished, with such heart and such might. We may be upon true destiny’s delight. Of a love compacted, eternal hearts ready for flight. One special star waiting for the other tonight. Patience by day, encouraging the night. One heart consumes the other ready to ignite. Fire on Earth, I do’s in soft flight. We take one and other, ready for galaxies plight. We see to each other, no one else done so right. Ready for the path of eternities light. Are the stars upon stars within this starry night.

Flying Solo

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The days are silents except for the screams of my heart. I lay here trying again to sleep and am tired of counting those sheep. I would spend many a night begging to go to sleep in my head. I lay down all of the time so I don’t even know why I’m tired. All of my energy is completely gone. Plus, I just want time to pass and sleep is the best way to do it. Sometimes I find peace in my dreams but it’s usually a literal war zone with body parts and everything. It’s all just so morbid now.  I zone out thinking of all the things that come along with my disorders. People still look to me waiting for me to get over it. People still think that it’s just a sadness and it’s not. It’s a lifestyle in a rampant disorder we have no control over. Even if it weren’t a chemical imbalance I still don’t get why people haven’t accepted this yet. Google won’t even run ads on my page “because the content goes against their policies.” Well, depression goes against mine and I’ve come to accept it. Another way to feel shunned. My best friends family doesn’t understand depression and they’re the first ones to admit it. But they don’t treat me any different because of it so why do so many others? It’s a constant heart beating in your stomach because you see people and how they look at you. Sometimes I leave places because my anxiety gets so bad, I just have to go. But in reality who would want me there anyways.

One time while on a family vacation the airplane plummeted downward in a free fall for just about two seconds. It felt like an eternity as I had just enough time to tell myself…this is it. But it wasn’t. Who would’ve thought that ten years later, I’d be wishing that it was. Wishing that I could’ve ended it on a happy note on vacation and not this super obedient, always apologetic frail hearted girl. But I don’t know that I believe in wishes anymore, anyways. I miss being a kid and having so many things to fantasize about in life. I was always the kid who was clumsy. I live with my heard turned upward as I look into the sky and never seem to watch where I’m going. It’s like that date I went on horseback riding.  The entire time I spent looking around not paying attention when, wham! a tree branch hit me in the face. I’m used to it by now, getting physically nailed. I mean shit, I grew up with an older brother. That’s where true anxiety’s heart can beat.

Blank Space

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I hate that something happened when I outlasted the good parts of life into the bad. I can’t stand that I’ll even have good days but I’ll look back later and think that they were awful. That’s all that I remember anymore. The awfulness takes the fun out of each memory and I wonder where to. Is there a mental dump somewhere that my mind loads up and takes out every Wednesday? I just don’t get it. Most of this blog is about the trials of life with mental illness but there’s a lot that I still don’t understand. Like days when the pressure gets really bad I can’t stand that one either. And people realize how bad your OCD can get when the pressure is on for you to be at your best. Oh, who am I kidding, the pressure is just natural from having to act like a normal human being. I must smile as if I enjoy everyday, instead of looking like I feel. If I had physical symptoms of all my mental problems, I’d be in a coma by now. At least I’d be left alone finally. And every time I put pressure on myself I wouldn’t have to look at the center of everything. People think I’m just staring at something but the reality is that I have to look at something four times or in the exact center of it. Phew, what a process. It takes so much time! And it makes me so mad because the medications I take make me gain weight too. And that shouldn’t be the most awful thing today because people could just think, oh well, at least you’re on your way to being happy. But the truth is A) you don’t know that this will work and B) I’d never realized how mean people could be. I’ve been called fat by at least 5 strangers. One of which I punched in the face. He made such a rude comment about my weight that I just wham! punched him in the face/nose. I’m so sick of people being judgmental! I’m a human being for crying out loud. Don’t call me things when you have know idea what it’s like. To all the skinny people out there, I’m jealous of you. Not only is it sooo hard for me to lose weight, it’s so easy for me to pack it on! Be aware of serequil for one people. That is a medication used for so many things including anxiety but it makes you super hungry and makes you gain weight starting yesterday. Oh, how I hate having this.

I am a human being. A fair minded, light hearted, clumsy, yes, easy going kind of chick. I walk at 5’6″ and my rule of thumb every since I can remember is to “walk tall.” I’m the most self conscious person I’ve ever met. I’ll wear sweatshirts in the summertime in 199 degree weather, inside of work, sweat dripping down my forehead, kind of conscious. DO people think I’m weird? Probably. But that could also be because I am a little weird and do weird things. I’m for the most part just curious Andrea just a little less curious with every inquisition. I mean if you’re going to sit on a bench and french kiss your bf, I take things like that as an invitation to come and snuggle in as well. I mean geez, how can you not?! I just sit, extra, extra close to one of them and maybe give a little back rub, you know? No harm done. And maybe next time they’ll get a room. Or the woman who, with her kids, threw an empty water bottle underneath a car to get rid of it when there was a trash can right there. I quickly goes under the car to retrieve it. “Ma’am, I think you lost this.” As I caught up to her. “What?! No that’s not mine.” She exclaimed. “Well, I distinctly remember watching you throw it underneath that car and if you want to throw it somewhere it should be in the garbage.” I giggle running off like a little kid. When you let your arms flail about and you can just let them loose. It’s the only time running can be fun.

Side Effects

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Growing up I’d always thought that when you have a health problem, you go see the Dr. and they fix it……right? But I went to the Dr. and I took whatever medicines he wanted me to. Hell, I was taking upwards of ten to fifteen medications a day. I even went to therapy when I was uncomfortable talking about it. I TRIED to find a hobby, or keep myself busy. I did all the things the Dr.s want you to do in these situations. I got a psychiatrist. AND, not to mention, some of those people were a little kookier than I was at the time. But am I the problem as my mind tells me I am. Or am I a side effect among the problems we live with everyday, and it has nothing to do with medication?

“Well, I also have been drinking quite a bit and that’s not good,” I tell her. “Stop!” The Psychologist abruptly exclaims and literally puts her hand in the air and shoves it my way. “My specialty isn’t in drinking, so I’m not comfortable talking about that.” But the sign just said “Psychologist,” so I don’t get it. I just needed an ear to listen to me rant so I’d hopefully not take it out on my friends. “That’s just not a subject I’m ok with.” Ok lady, I just need you to therapitize me, alrighty? I think to myself. Her salt and pepper hair was so frizzy and she’d spit when she talked, it was gross. And, you can imagine what came out of her mouth when she was all amped up. It was like a loogie shot out. So far, I’ve been to five counselors, or therapists and have a psychiatrist as well. My psychiatrist is amazing but I’m having a terrible time finding a therapist. None of them talk. And the one that does, wants me to come to a sleepover where her office is for an entire weekend, with four other people and pay her $2,000 dollars to do it. She would talk nonstop about the husband she’d lost to cancer, which yes, is terrible, but I was paying to listen to her problems in the session and I really needed help. All of the sudden I was the counselor and just wanted to be the counselee. She even got upset with me when I left her, begged me to stay and then flipped it and got angry with me. She wore an orange tiger looking fur coat with tennis shoes, it was all just too weird. I didn’t realize how many of them would just sit and write notes and never talk except to say “mmm-hmmm.” And I know that’s part of the practice but I also know they’re there to give guidance as well. I’d feel stupid after awhile because with a few of them you could tell they weren’t even listening. They just knew when to nod and utter those, “mm-hmms,” to keep me going and get to their paycheck. The one positive however, was that I’d have a little time to think about the things I was saying and give myself a little advice about them. So I kind of got to counsel myself. It’s weird how you feel a certain way and you can’t quite figure it out until you really put it out there. All of the sudden new bells turn on and you have just a little more spark of a hope you’ve been missing.

Speaking of paycheck’s, that’s another thing I’m noticing slipping. I’m a really hard worker, like, I bust my ass when I’m on the clock. And lately, I just don’t see the point in it anymore. I can’t see the point in anything. It’s not that I’m looking for a reason to slack off either, I just feel like the world’s constantly in robot mode, working 9-5 and it’s the same thing everyday. How old. I remember one of my bosses coming up to me and saying, “Well, there’s my hard little worker, I don’t even know where the rest of the staff is.” Well, they were all hanging out on a bench chatting about what they’d done that weekend. I thought,”What the hell is this? He’s not even going to tell them to get back to work and I’m standing here sweating and cleaning, why do I take this so seriously? I’m feeling a constant disappointment all of the time. Maybe I really am just this side-effect of life where the world is the problem and there is no cure. We work a long day just so we can be too tired at home to give a damn. Go to college to fulfill our passion into a career only to have it wiped away because the hours only get longer and the pay is never enough. Our passion then turns into resentment and nobody gets along anymore. I wonder why we put so much energy into the things we’re “supposed” to do, like work, but then the reality of our lives come home and we’re too burnt out to be a part of it. Every day it’s the same thing, in and out, over and over. I just don’t understand. I’m feeling more and more like I don’t belong here because it feels like I’m the only one who doesn’t get it to this kind of Nth degree. Then, when I finally do figure things out, It feels like a disappointing answer and I’m so tired of disappointments. So tired of thinking “this is it.” This is what I’ve come to be, have to be and have to accept for the rest of my life. But I’ve tried accepting it before. I guess that was just another side effect.

Angels and Devils

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Demons and devils plague the earth of a still heart in an angel slowly breathing. She waits as they walk around her, so tempestuous in their marks as they stand still now, eyeing her to be a part of it all. A devil unbeknownst to them, the angel sits in patience waiting for the demons to walk on by. She flirts with the one she cannot see just like she flirts with life and death. Hoping to make a friend in this rampant world she loathes but still must conquer.
I try to walk along in everyday as it may possibly be my last, but also may possibly be the first of my many, that I begin a new life. Where will I turn? I try to let fate decide as I cannot see beyond the devils throne.
Tempers flare as the angel tries to mark her territory amongst the demons hell they’ve happily created. Fires lit and flames held true, tonight is a battle for an angel inside the walls of death. Who will ring true? is the question for an angel impatient ready to squash the demonic road.

Fighting

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There was so much fighting in that house it was a lot to take. And then I’d start to notice patterns of the way my parents would talk about their parents and it was the first sign of the cycle beginning. And I could never figure out what it was over. It would just start and explode with stones at the glass house and no one realized it. But my brother and I were called unfortunate names and at least for me, I took them with me until a couple of years ago when I finally somehow let it go. I knew I resented them growing up for certain things. Like, she shouldn’t have come to me to ask whether or not I felt they should get a divorce. Huh? That’s your question? Shit. “I don’t know,” I told her. That’s not between my mom and dad, that’s between your husband and you. But I could never get that question out of my mind. What DO I think? The fighting really had gotten that bad. There was always name calling to each other and to my brother and I. “How could you be SO stupid?” was one. “You’re helpless,” and “hopeless,” another. It was to the point that I was convinced I was stupid. Then when I was in high school both of them told me they had something to tell me when I got older. I had a feeling I knew what it was but it wasn’t my place yet. And it shouldn’t have been my place to choose who I was going to live with. They shouldn’t have declared divorce on my birthday. It got to the point where on one hand things were a great time, in a great family. And there were times where I felt like I was around the drill sergeant. I always knew when to talk and when to shut the hell up. Suddenly, I became my mother’s shoulder to cry on. It was a time I was so thankful to have my brother, though. Then, right as the depression was hitting, him and I got close but then pulled apart. The apart world, is where we’ve been ever since. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you miss someone until you realize you need the chance you once had to miss them in the first place. But I just want to scream that I’m not myself. To wait for me and when I come back you’ll see how different I can be when I’m normal again. I’m always impulsive, I’m sleepy and I think things that are harsher than what they should be. There’s things about depression that doesn’t go in a handbook. No one talks about the fact that you’re so lost that even when you have everything, it can feel like nothing. And my nothing has become my everything.