I’ve been in his office for only five minutes before I can tell it’s on it’s way. The flash flood. “How do I sum up what’s going on into words?” I thought. “How’s he going to help the way I’ve been thinking?” It’s so deep now. I want to find the soul of everything all of a sudden. I just look more deeply into things. And, I always have but, now I find symbolism all over. You name it I can see the windows eyes within the souls. His nurse walks in. “Hello, Andrea.” I pleasantly responded back, “Hi” so shy this time. I wasn’t ready to expose what I’d been hiding from my family and all of my friends. I’d been going to this doctor for years, so this felt weird because usually I’m so happy. But, that “Hi,” epitomized everything about me lately. Something was changing and within it I couldn’t keep up. It was all I could muster out. I was already choking back the tears. “I just can’t stop,” I said, crying terribly. Before I’d thought she had kind of a gruff attitude. She was stern in her body language. But as she looked at me that day there was something so soft about her. You could tell she really cared. She stood so close to me I thought she was going to give me a hug, but there she stood and simply said, “I’m going to ask you something.” “You know how in every day it comes down to seconds, not minutes?” “Yes,” I said.
And mind you, I’m a really easy-going polite mild-tempered girl. That has never changed and some people wonder why I’d have the energy to be like that, while still going through this. And I’m telling you it’s because it’s all I have left to offer is who I am. I won’t change my genuine personality for anyone, or for misery either.
“Those are the moments that each life comes down to. So, instead of asking yourself if you can tolerate the rest of the day or hour, ask yourself if you can handle this one moment. Then try to get through the next and the next.” This sole piece of advice altered the way I thought in so many ways. And to this day, it’s the best piece of advice I’ve ever received and been able to wrap around my thought process, especially when I get suicidal. That’s when I ask myself if I can handle the moment in front of me, instead of looking forward to a week of anything. She was so kind. And I’d come to later realize was the best therapist I’d see. But she wasn’t a therapist. She was my doctor’s medical assistant. I’ve told my story before almost looking for that piece of magical advice that doesn’t exist, but hoped that it did. My hope was the one thing that would get me to many places over the years because it was all I’d have left, and after this day she was able to even increase it a little. But as time would fade, so would the hope and the feeling that I could make it through even mere seconds. And I’d remind myself of her and what she’d said, and it always did help. Sometimes help it where you’ll least expect it I guess. I told the doctor she needed a raise.