I see today that I’m entering into another year. I just don’t get it. Where did it all go? And HOW in a world where everyday is so long, did I get through that many of them? I still feel so young to be honest. All of the sudden I begin questioning everything I learned in school, wondering if it should’ve been life lessons instead. “Geez, how am I supposed to battle all of these diagnosis’?” I’d think. Hell, that’s what I think everyday. I wish in life I had a map to follow, like when you get lost on the road you at least have a back up method to get you to the right direction. Can we make one of those? A map that tells us where to go when we’re clearly so lost we don’t even know left from right anymore? Ah, that would be nice. These are the things that fill my head up in fantasy. A smooth sailing life, always knowing where to turn and which hand is on which side. I feel like I hide everything from people though. At least the ones who don’t know me very well. I don’t want the judgement. The look you get when you do something out of the ordinary and everyone thinks, “Oh, she must’ve done that because of her mental illness.” All of the sudden I’ve become labeled. And the only label that feels fitting is the “Missing Person’s” picture on the side of a milk carton. That’s how lost I feel, and yet, it hits home in a hypothetical sense as well. Yes, I have disorders. And yes, they’re very real and significant in my life. But if I tell a lame joke, it’s not because I have these illnesses. Or maybe that is an illness, telling bad jokes is sort of a damn crime.
My ADD is something you’d recognize when you really get to know me. But, it is the truth that I have it. It’s not the, “every kid has ADD, ADD.” I genuinely have it. I just don’t medicate it anymore and I didn’t start until nineteen. With ADD you go from one subject to the next within a metaphorical minute. One minute I want to work out in the gym, then drop that just as fast, then I want a different job, then a different arraignment for my room. And let’s say that happens every day. Cleaning the house, I’ll mush up all the cleaning chores instead of doing one at a time, I’ll do part of one, get distracted, then start a different one, get distracted, and so on. ADD is about distracting the mind because it can only have a certain amount of time in an attention span. I see it as a blessing and a curse. If I get down about something then I could be distracted so easily and quickly I’m off to the next subject. The curse however, is when it works backwards from being in a good mood switched to a bad one. Some days I’ll be in limbo all day long, I just hide at home. Moreover, I’d just try to sleep all day.