Depression is about being lonesome and unworthy even when youre around all of the people in the world and should feel like a million bucks. Its not about being sad. Being sad would be a great day for us. Its about feeling like the world is ending and youre its ultimate demise.Today I am not sad but I spent 15 years in the prime of tears when I should have been in the prime of my life. Everything was halted. I couldnt work, couldnt maintain friendships and simply couldnt get out of bed. I held down jobs on and off again but was always on the finest line of being fired while barely still employed. And some angry at life people thought I used my sickness on purpose to get out of work, thought I used it to be lazy or just thought I used it to use it. Some of you are mean. Because as I got better and better and still didnt have a job, quite frankly life without one suddenly became boring. I did feel lazy. But before I felt like the days took eons to complete yet went by so fast all the same. I couldnt keep up. The thing I’ve come out seeing the most of was judgement. People really do like to judge what they dont understand or what they dont want to put the time into its comprehension. I beg of you to not be ignorant of the lost soul you may not see beside of you. We are out there in vast quantities not wanting to be noticed. Trying to be invisible until life will let us go all the while wanting it to end as fast as we can blink. Dont be ignorant. People say they dont know what depression is but people are just playing dumb. We all know what its like to have bad days and we all dont want them. So if you multiplied that feeling to the Nth degree and add the judgement that comes from others and at times some bullying…youve got it. No you wont know what it feels like but everyone has an idea. A microscopic view of what MDD (major depressive disorder) can bring you. And it doesnt come by itself. It comes with more diagnosis to add and is never alone. So please beware the next time you tell someone to find a hobby, or that its just a bad day. Because you’ll never know how humbled you may become when you are suddenly in the drivers seat of it all. Thats how fast it comes on as well….within that one blink. So the next time you think about mental disorders, please remember the strength in its suffering. Sometimes its tears you cannot blink away.
Having a job in care is nerve wrecking especially with someone who experiences anxiety. I struggle to sleep throughout the night especially if I have work the next day. I check that I set my alarm several times as I am fearful that somehow I will sleep through it. I wake up tired as ever and get ready for work. I try to meditate but I can’t seem to quiet my mind. I shower, eat breakfast and get ready to leave. My anxiety is building. I get in my car and at times I realise that I hold my breath when I drive (subconsciously of course). I don’t know why but driving makes me nervous. I guess it’s the concept of not being in control of what others do on the road is scary. I made it to work so at least I am doing something right. Working with individuals with mental health conditions and learning disabilities is challenging. No two days are the same and it can be very unpredictable. I try my best to remain calm and collected but part of me is just counting down the hours until I am back at home in my personal space. Work is over and now I have to drive home. I blast the music loud in hopes it will distract me and cause me not to be too worried about what may happen. I try to remain positive constantly reminding myself that I will be ok. And I am as I make it home. Each day has its moments. You just have to remain hopeful that better days are coming and they are.
Thank you Candice Williams @https://confidantcandy.com/ or writing this!
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