Circles

As I look up, you let me down. When I pull you in, from the lost and found. Whether the day is good, or my mindset bad. You turn away now, getting all mad. And I sacrifice, while you take it all, never knowing when the day will call, the guards away to seek me afraid, once so happy to be, sentenced with good in the day. Youre the one who taught me, and told me so. To lead on from behind and to just let go. Remember me and the words I say, always to you, from a heart that’s at bay. I will leave and you will heed, the words of a girl, that once you would need. Only to quite her and say you didnt mind. That day you went away, from a world left behind. From a place unknkown, undone and unshown, is me, from behind, the glasses you see, stark and unkind. From the remnants of you, turning this world into the blue. And in the darkest of minds is someone so true. Ready to come out, to be unveiled. To be seen, and shown, and at last curtailed. To a world from which I see, in a heart so failed, in that which is me.

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Starlight Wishes

5

If I were a wishing girl I’d wish for never ending happiness. For all to be well on each and every day, and polite beauty around every corner. Dread wouldn’t be found in such beauty of a wish, made upon a star one night so full of starlights.

In the nighttime skies of wishes not lies, I ask for this broadening spectrum of hope to keep ensuing. “I will be better,” I’d say to myself. “If I could just have a chance at it.” And low and behold the chance of the starlight mixed with the dark of night keeps upon me. All the while knowing it might be my only shot.

I haven’t felt mentally healthy in fifteen years. What do I even do with the chance I’ve been given, as I lay among the stars and the moon. I’ll have to try this forbidden thing called happiness, which is mostly shunned or dismissed too soon. It usually plays a game with my mind, this happiness. Giving me a peek a boo once in awhile. Just long enough to know that’s this is what I’m fighting for, yet, not long enough for me to say it’s been worth it. Life, without happiness feels worthless. Only to breathe is what I have ingrained in me. I will keep the dread of depression and mental illness at bay, but also as my coat of arms to protect me from all things unfamiliar. When the earth’s moons change, so will my new life. I hope, as I realize the darkness of the eclipse above the horizon. I don’t know what to do with happiness. I don’t know what to do with life, in fact, I just don’t know what to do. Do I ask for forgiveness once again and wish to go back to the normalcy I seek? No, I won’t do that now. I won’t bother the starlight tonight. I’ll just go on my windy road with fingers crossed, that, like the changing of the seasons or temperatures of the day, I’ll settle in to my new abode of a silenced “happiness,” peeking out in the moonlight. I’ll accept it without recall and know that the starlight is watching….always to know what goes on into the night.

Whirlpools

9

I try to float inside

Swirling whirlpools

With a girl to hide.

Round and round I go,

Where I’ll stop no one will know.

Let me be alone in this strife

Not one of them to see

This girl in this life,

And let me walk down

With the duplicity

Making the most

Of all that is me.

And take what’s left

To serendipity,

Where I can hopefully

Leave behind

Depression’s cavity,

In this hollow hole

Of life’s capacity,

In a world unchanged

Of maximum security

For the likes of folks

Just like me.

To say they’ll be helped

To the nth degree,

Does not leave peace

But yes, unsettling things

With causation

Of casualties…

Of the sane mind,

Insanity rings.

Good Day

19

If I have a good day I would have a field day into the sun’s heat day and not a word for low pay. You say you want to be, but this is all I see and until you do as I please don’t mind if I sit and I weep. Because all I do is sob filling a water’s tide to bob and haven’t found my way home as all hearts I see have been dethroned. You want me to see the real you but the mirrors black and white and you are see through. Transparent in all of your ways making me swim until depths into days, and I want my life back without haze, please listen I’m here, that okay? Take the time to know what is mine, for my heart’s broken from the worst kind of pine, into the other I lined around the tracks for him to find, and now I get here to you, again and again I can’t be put through, this nightmarish of a movie times two. We’re not meant to be you and I so I tried and I tried and I cried, I even asked him up there and said what’s going on you big guy? But he didn’t have anything to say except the other one’s on his on way. And watch as he skips to the beat, you’ll be aghast to think something so neat. You may be crazed over him here for you and amazed it’s just going to be you two, but this life’s pain won’t live without gain so keep your mindset on things away from insane. Because when they says it’s insane it’s real, not mundane and a really big deal. But if you came up to him with eyes on aim and you walked and you talked quite a big game,¬† he might really want his heart’s steal and might take you up on the offer of meal. So have fun to you he said, and now I don’t have so much of that dread. Because when it comes from above it’s the head and I once didn’t believe what was said. but here I am fighting until dead, unbelievable you should mark these words read. And if they go small don’t fill up with dread. It’s apples and oranges gone simply to bed. Such is life that I learned with the fruit, i’ll bear what i can without any rebut. And I won’t let you go now or then, or refute anything marked of words sent, and well you really are looking so cute. Keep me in mind with those eyes on to you. It’s really me he said, just keep hanging¬† tight. So I did and I did and I did. But I see him now and feel like a kid. On earth there’s so many lonely parts under these lids, then you find the master of arts, coming to you to with not such a low bid. Reminding you that it’ll happen just from behind and when you meet you wont feel anything but time. So fun I had to explain things of mine. Don’t stop or ye won’t find, the beating heart that wants to solidify mine. It’s always going to just be you and just I, so don’t stop for anything except that one guy.

Cosmos

20

Starry night starry night. The first star I wish upon is in the night tonight. And when I wished and saw that star I swore into the night. It came to twilight’s of twilight’s of stars within sight. Shooting across a sky so bright, the darkness within the supernova of light. A sky of cosmos unyielding from fight. At first I said no, said it with might. But then you came in, came into delight. Leaving me weak, restless and tight, is a soulmate who hears the whispers so light. Telling you the story, of our stories sight, we hold hands simple and tight. Begin upon the journey, our journey within sight. One day we’d wished, with such heart and such might. We may be upon true destiny’s delight. Of a love compacted, eternal hearts ready for flight. One special star waiting for the other tonight. Patience by day, encouraging the night. One heart consumes the other ready to ignite. Fire on Earth, I do’s in soft flight. We take one and other, ready for galaxies plight. We see to each other, no one else done so right. Ready for the path of eternities light. Are the stars upon stars within this starry night.

Watermark

27

Running so I can tow the line,

always to say, “Hey I’m doing fine.”

It’s when you walk on by that water’s tide,

my only moment not to run and to hide,

away.

From all of the things I hoard inside,

with depression before me,

the loneliest guide.

But all to well,

it was you who’d tell,

that within water’s surfaces,

that air you couldn’t smell,

duplicitly found for all to tell.

Within I who ye shall find,

once alone and not in the right mind.

Today is all that I have,

all the walking with a talk so sad.

I am and always will be

the fighter inside of a queen little b,

and when you see and I go blind,

always remember to pay me some mind.

In the thoughts from a brain unkind

you hold healthy and true in this thing called time.

Morbidity and death was all that I knew,

It’s my dream only now it’s coming true,

a pain if only you knew,

and all I want to say is I Love You.