Bridge Over Troubled Water

35

The sidewall has cement walls lining them with deep green ivy flowing down the sides. I stand at the corner of a balcony looking off into the distance. It was about midnight. Quite is the night within the stars turning from the blue into the black. Two bicyclists pedal passed on the street with no cars. I wonder what it’s like to be them. To not be on a balcony, to not be wondering what will be my next move. All I know is that I came here with suicidal intentions. I just know there is a bridge lit up in the distance. Looking down, I see reddish brown cement tiles and think to myself that this might be it. That if I came here tonight to do what I intended on doing I wouldn’t focus on the bridge. That tonight could be the night I don’t have to be submerged into the troubles of time, the weights of life and the distance to feel whole once again. Tonight I couldn’t decide, I just knew change was holding on just like the effects of my medicine. Help was beyond me just like the bridge over the troubled water that could result in an untimely death anyway. My friend ran out and yelled my name. Putting her arm around me I looked to that beautiful bridge light up with the night as bright as the sunniest day. I remembered the bicyclists headed through the neighborhood of her balcony, so desolate this moment. As they are, my mind is swift as I try to decide my next turn. Will I or wont I? But what does it matter now anyway? Like the image of the bridge I grow more bleak with time. Slowly passing in the effervescent clouds of the night.

Whisperer

36

Some people think that suicide is for attention. But why would someone need attention by trying to take their own life. It doesn’t make sense. And there are those people out there. There are some people that I just can’t stand that do those kinds of thing for attention. I can’t stand that and when girls get pregnant on purpose just to keep a guy. Those are my two things. Please don’t do those. This can be my disclaimer, or whatever. Please don’t be one of those people.

Earlier in the day my two best friends and I were driving around, I, in the backseat. “Have you guys ever thought about what you’d give away if something happened to you?” I thought I was being so suave. Yeah right.  As I look back we all realize I gave the tell tale signs. I was going to give my car to my best friend, who was in the front seat, to her brother. That’s really all I had to give away at that time. Shit, I think that still may be the case today. Either way, I had no idea that this was routine behavior for people thinking about suicide.

We were all partying that night and playing a game called, Catch Phrase, where this remote thing gives you a word and you have to describe the word without saying it until someone guess the correct answer. Ironically, it’s the first time I’ve had real fun in a long time. Real fun as in, something distracted me enough to forget about the depression for just a little bit. That never happens. It didn’t make me forget however, that this was to be my final day, I’d been planning on it being today for some time I just didn’t know how until we got to the place she was house sitting.

Both of them didn’t know what they’d give away if they passed. I felt a little uncomfortable that I’d had it down to the songs I wanted played and even pictures I wanted to hand out. Doesn’t everyone at least think about their own death just a little? Hmmm, I thought, weird.

 

A Place

37

If I was a place

i just need to go inside

any place I can hide

and be in the water’s tide

tonight.

so where are all the places

all filled with graces

encompassed with paces

empty foot spaces

along lily pad’s laces

where the water’s edge takes us.

Inside this great vase

a lily pad’s lace

Is the place to go

that is below

where secrecy tows

in the bubbles that blow

as we swim,

into the sold out show

which never ends,

and still can’t bend

wont educate me away.

The only place I have for I

is up there in those skies

Day and night

I dream to fly

living in the starry eyes.

Greener Pastures

38

Is the grass always greener on the other side? Is it always neater? Or cleaner? Is it more popular over there because that’s where everyone wants to be? Or because everything they’re after is over there? That’s the place of attainability. Where we go and let all others fade and release into the Earth. We have to let go of all of the pain to see what’s on the other side but why are we fighting so hard to get there when we don’t even know what’s around the corner? Do I self-admittedly have to talk about these things on a place like the internet, when no I don’t need to say anything at all, I get that. But people always say it’s worth the fight to get through it, to push through the pain and let out of all the halls and call out that yes, it happened to me too. That’s the thing, is how do we get rid of all of the memories? How do we release all the pain we didn’t even know we’d carried along through the times. Only to always look to anything greener, anyways. I’m so tired of people telling me to look for the good, and to find something to laugh at. How about you? Can I laugh at you? Cause that’d be great and hopefully it’d work but who knows. Geez, people.

7th Heaven

39

Keith and Eva were the type of people you read about in books. Always proper with a beautiful house on the corner and a babbling brook in the backyard full of peonies and flowers to water. A nice deck where we would go outside and eat breakfast and sit and chat. Their view was amazing in Canada. My brother and I would go up their on many occasion not worrying about the four-hour long drive. Oh, how we loved them. Our relatives aren’t very close in this family except for Keith and Eva. Mom’s parents weren’t that great to her, or me for that matter and so I hardly spoke to them. Even though Keith and Eva were mom’s aunt and uncle they’d acted more like friends and parental figures when she was in need. I loved Eva so much. She was even beautiful laying in the hospital bed well aware of what she was going through. She’d had a stroke sometime before and that ignited her downfall into today.

We were on our way to see Eva. Keith my Great Uncle had seemed more nervous than I’d ever seen him. He was always such a dapper, strong, respectful human being and so was his wife. Eva and him met at her seventeen years old and him eighteen and they never let go. He was high up in the military flying jets and they were both from Canada. Eva had never even gotten her driver’s license because they were always together and he was going to take her. Eva was always so elegant with her salt and pepper hair with bright blue eyes you couldn’t miss. All I knew was that she was on the seventh floor of the hospital.

“Oh, Keith! You just drove through the stop sign!” My mom exclaimed to him. “Oh , did I?” “Huh.,” was all he had to say with his beret on that I stare at in the back seat. It’s got a little red ball of yarn on the top making it so cute for him. Typical Keith, I think he’d had it the entire time we had them in our lives. He was the type where you would see one of those red “Canada flowers,” that pins on your shirt…he had a plethora of.

Keith and Eva were all about respect and they earned it from everyone they came across. But it’s the little things that are so humbling when I think of Eva and her boisterous laugh at the movie, Dumb and Dumber. Her mouth opened just wide enough to show her teeth but her grace in her hand trying to cover her mouth told of her beauty right there. I wanted to be just like her. “Such a shame,” I thought she’d think after her death. “Such a shame I am to her, I must be.”

“What floor are we on?” She’d ask. “The 7th,” Keith responded. “Isn’t that the floor where people come in to die?” Was her response. We all looked at each other and then to Keith, because no one else wanted to answer that question. “Don’t worry about that now, eh?” Keith said as we all took a sigh of relief that he said anything. I brushed her salt and pepper hair as mom talked to her. She could only see out of her right eye, so I made sure to stand at that side. I stopped looking out the window to the mountains with the skiers flying down the hill. It was hard to look at Eva because I knew it would be the last time I saw her. I always thought I’d want time to say good-bye to someone if they were going to pass, but the heartache it brings with it can sometimes be unbearable. It’s like, you know doom is coming and you try to embrace it but it just multiplies in its terror and keeps rolling at you like a scene in Indiana Jones. The rock was plummeting to me as I’d try to  run away but in this movie I can’t escape it.

“Andrea, Eva died today”…moments of silence are what ensue next. “Um, okay.” I flatly said. “I’ve got to go now, mom.” “Are you ok?” She asked me. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I said in return. Man, how my stomach turned inside out at the news. But I wasn’t going to cry, I thought. I couldn’t at work. But I should’ve. Holding these kinds of tears for this long is just so unhealthy. But at some point I feel like I’ve cried about everything else, so I must’ve grieved somewhere in there, right?