Hope

When I was a little girl we used to have a sailboat. My dad would blare oldies and I’d get up on the bow and swing with the best of them. I’d shake my little ass and boats that would pass by would laugh and start mimicking me, waving in delight. That was me. Nothing terrified me, and nothing could. I wanted to try it all, get into it all, and be all that I thought life would allow at the time. Fast forward twenty years and I can’t even attempt suicide it’d draw too much attention. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve almost tried it once, but the thought of people even looking in my direction makes me want to shy away now.

When I was a little girl we used to have a sailboat. My dad would blare oldies and I’d get up on the bow and swing with the best of them. I’d shake my little ass and boats that would pass by would laugh and start mimicking me, waving in delight. That was me. Nothing terrified me, and nothing could. I wanted to try it all, get into it all, and be all that I thought life would allow at the time. Fast forward twenty years and I can’t even attempt suicide it’d draw too much attention. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve almost tried it once, but the thought of people even looking in my direction makes me want to shy away now.
People always say that when you get suicidal you’ve hit bottom but I don’t believe that. I got suicidal because my depression topped out, winning over everything inside of me. There was no bottom about it, except for how low I felt. Fifteen years ago I was diagnosed with majoy depressive disorder and wish I’d known what that was, because I’m learning more about it, now that I’m coming out of it. And that’s what I want to express, that there is a possible way out. It can happen. There’s so much I wish people told us as young children, so we wouldn’t have to always find out the hard way.I’d started to hear about depression in my teens and just assumed it was something I’d never get. But low and behold I have and my biggest fears were of what was to come. And back then no one talked about it and I’d not known of anyone else to have the same disorder so my loneliness became very popular inside of me. That was when I turned to blogs to read other people’s stories and words of wisdom from their perspective. I was always looking for that magical piece of advise when I was 19 and freshly diagnosed. I thought that if someone could just tell me what to do, I’ll do it in a heartbeat and then let’s get back to the old me. What a great wish that was. But then, a nurse once asked me if I could handle just this second. And as I said yes, she told me, “Even in your darkest moments, ask yourself if you can handle just this second and breathe.” “Remind yourself that life is an allotment of seconds to be had, and if you can make it through one, then just focus on the next, not minute, the next second.” And she kissed my forehead and walked out. I’ve tried medications that don’t work, doctors that don’t do their job, and therapists that were going through some terrible things themselves and relied on me to help them instead of vice versa. These years have been hard, but one thing I really believe is that suffering is for the strong because the weak woudn’t be able to handle it. I’d get through a day, realize how hard that day was and the fact that I was still there, doing the last thing that I knew how to do, which was to breathe meant I’d made it. I really had to be strong to make it that far. And that was just a day. Fifteen years later I wish I could tell anyone that suffers just that. That that one piece of advice may not be out there, but if you listen to your heart, even when you think you have nothing left, you do. Because if you’ve made it through a hard day then you’ve still got your strength, which means there must be a little hope still in there as well. If you can keep those things alive, you can make it through another day, and another and may be able to find the time when you’re saying I think I’m coming out of it too. A lot of posts I would read would tell people the signs of depression, and I feel like if you really think you are depressed, then you probably are, it’s just hard to get past the denial of it. I read a post just today that hit home. I’d taken the morning after pill one day that didn’t work and I wound up pregnant. To this day, I’d wondered how that could happen and I read a post that says it’s not as effective for people over 175lbs. Closure is huge with me and today I got to understand something that had happened right before my depression hit, which was my pregnancy. Today I feel a little better than yesterday because I got this closure. Life really chooses different paths for all of us, and while I’m not apt to shaking my booty on the bow anymore, I sure am getting back to listening to the music I love, and just hope that everyone gets a chance to.

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Circles

As I look up, you let me down. When I pull you in, from the lost and found. Whether the day is good, or my mindset bad. You turn away now, getting all mad. And I sacrifice, while you take it all, never knowing when the day will call, the guards away to seek me afraid, once so happy to be, sentenced with good in the day. Youre the one who taught me, and told me so. To lead on from behind and to just let go. Remember me and the words I say, always to you, from a heart that’s at bay. I will leave and you will heed, the words of a girl, that once you would need. Only to quite her and say you didnt mind. That day you went away, from a world left behind. From a place unknkown, undone and unshown, is me, from behind, the glasses you see, stark and unkind. From the remnants of you, turning this world into the blue. And in the darkest of minds is someone so true. Ready to come out, to be unveiled. To be seen, and shown, and at last curtailed. To a world from which I see, in a heart so failed, in that which is me.

Judgement Day

Depression is about being lonesome and unworthy even when youre around all of the people in the world and should feel like a million bucks. Its not about being sad. Being sad would be a great day for us. Its about feeling like the world is ending and youre its ultimate demise.Today I am not sad but I spent 15 years in the prime of tears when I should have been in the prime of my life. Everything was halted. I couldnt work, couldnt maintain friendships and simply couldnt get out of bed. I held down jobs on and off again but was always on the finest line of being fired while barely still employed. And some angry at life people thought I used my sickness on purpose to get out of work, thought I used it to be lazy or just thought I used it to use it. Some of you are mean. Because as I got better and better and still didnt have a job, quite frankly life without one suddenly became boring. I did feel lazy. But before I felt like the days took eons to complete yet went by so fast all the same. I couldnt keep up. The thing I’ve come out seeing the most of was judgement. People really do like to judge what they dont understand or what they dont want to put the time into its comprehension. I beg of you to not be ignorant of the lost soul you may not see beside of you. We are out there in vast quantities not wanting to be noticed. Trying to be invisible until life will let us go all the while wanting it to end as fast as we can blink. Dont be ignorant. People say they dont know what depression is but people are just playing dumb. We all know what its like to have bad days and we all dont want them. So if you multiplied that feeling to the Nth degree and add the judgement that comes from others and at times some bullying…youve got it. No you wont know what it feels like but everyone has an idea. A microscopic view of what MDD (major depressive disorder) can bring you. And it doesnt come by itself. It comes with more diagnosis to add and is never alone. So please beware the next time you tell someone to find a hobby, or that its just a bad day. Because you’ll never know how humbled you may become when you are suddenly in the drivers seat of it all. Thats how fast it comes on as well….within that one blink. So the next time you think about mental disorders, please remember the strength in its suffering. Sometimes its tears you cannot blink away.

Whirlpools

Float inside

Swirling

whirlpools

With a girl

to hide.

Round and round

I go,

Where I’ll stop

no one knows.

Let me be alone

in this strife

Not one

of them

to see

Within

this life,

And let me

walk down

With duplicity

Making the most

Of all that is me.

And take what’s left

To serendipity,

Where I can

hopefully

Leave behind

Depression’s cavity,

In this hollow hole

Life’s capacity,

In a world

unchanged

maximum security

For the likes

of folks

Just like me.

To say they’ll be helped

To the nth degree,

Does not leave peace

But yes,

unsettling things

With causation

Of casualties…

Of the sane mind,

Insanity rings.

Starlight Wishes

If I were a wishing girl I’d wish for never ending happiness. For all to be well on each and every day, and polite beauty around every corner. Dread wouldn’t be found in such beauty of a wish, made upon a star one night so full of starlights.

In the nighttime skies of wishes not lies, I ask for this broadening spectrum of hope to keep ensuing. “I will be better,” I’d say to myself. “If I could just have a chance at it.” And low and behold the chance of the starlight mixed with the dark of night keeps upon me. All the while knowing it might be my only shot.

I haven’t felt mentally healthy in fifteen years. What do I even do with the chance I’ve been given, as I lay among the stars and the moon. I’ll have to try this forbidden thing called happiness, which is mostly shunned or dismissed too soon. It usually plays a game with my mind, this happiness. Giving me a peek a boo once in awhile. Just long enough to know that’s this is what I’m fighting for, yet, not long enough for me to say it’s been worth it. Life, without happiness feels worthless. Only to breathe is what I have ingrained in me. I will keep the dread of depression and mental illness at bay, but also as my coat of arms to protect me from all things unfamiliar. When the earth’s moons change, so will my new life. I hope, as I realize the darkness of the eclipse above the horizon. I don’t know what to do with happiness. I don’t know what to do with life, in fact, I just don’t know what to do. Do I ask for forgiveness once again and wish to go back to the normalcy I seek? No, I won’t do that now. I won’t bother the starlight tonight. I’ll just go on my windy road with fingers crossed, that, like the changing of the seasons or temperatures of the day, I’ll settle in to my new abode of a silenced “happiness,” peeking out in the moonlight. I’ll accept it without recall and know that the starlight is watching….always to know what goes on into the night.