Breezy

44

If I could feel the coolest breeze on the warmest days i’d be sitting in the shade wondering how the two intersect on a day like today. If we take all of the problems and hardships of life out of the equation all we are left with are the simple things…which is all we need anyway, to be quite honest. If we focus on the simplicity, we lose sight of all the complexities which is where most of the problems started. People may look at simple as being feeble minded but I think it’s the most thought provoking of all. Thinking basic thoughts and living simple ways leaves our minds more open to the necessary breathing room life has to offer. I wish someone could take out the complexities of my mind and throw it right back up like puke in an attempt to detoxify myself. My mind needs to breathe in a way that’s suffocating all in it’s own right. Please take me away. Take me to the never ending time when the simplest things can be relished in the simplest ways all so we can walk with no despair. I found the home of a certain simplicity once and like the wheel, went bankrupt all the same. Does simplicity occur in despair? Or is despair the simplest form of misery in hiding? I just want answers. Answers to the questions and the right questions for unforseen answers before hand. I feel the warmest of the coolest breezes. Now in the night, I look for warm gusts within the cold. Waiting for life to once again intersect.

It’s Personal

2

I don’t wish out loud anymore but I’m always silently pleading for my secret desires to come true. Please sweep me away wind. Take me wherever it is you go just not into the eye of the tornado. I put my hand up in the wind and let the gusts push it into a curve going up and down. Where is everyone? It feels like the story, It, without the storm and no scary clowns.

Ah, but maybe I am the storm. The walking disaster you shouldn’t come close to unless you know what is is you are dealing with. Keeping company with the echoes in the street at night…reminding you that you are alive. For the people that do come close, know that I warned you. I sounded the alarm and instead of hiding, some of you danced. Something I wish I could do again. Dance in the street while taking a walk around the neighborhood. Letting the insides of myself fly out as music notes fill the streets, and suddenly I am lost. Who cares? No need to ask for directions being I didn’t like the place I’d come from to begin with. The dark streets have no more echoes.

There are still no cars as I try to enjoy the peace surrounding me but can’t. I’m so lonely. Depression makes sure you’ll find out that it’s suffering is a one way ticket and a one person ride for a one way kill to my genocide. The lights go out. I wonder whats in the woods I come across. I’m terrified a spider will walk in front of me and I wont know. Yuck. Luckily I’m wearing a necklace that lights up. Ok, I can faintly can see my house. I wish the wind would act like an escalator and escort me back. I also wish I could stop wishing things were different. That maybe if I hadn’t done this or that, then maybe I could seize the damn day instead of waiting for it to be over with. I stand alone, still in the night and waiting for the crisp air to bite and wake me up. I always want to sleep and make time go by faster but its turned me into some pile of nightmares with no safe house to run into, away from the tornado. And damnit it’s getting too close to home. It’s just getting too personal.

Rush Hour

18

I look back to the bridge that’s all lit up. The two people who swiftly passed us on their bicycles are long gone. Below me, I see cement tile laid out from the person’s back door. Red cement square blocks that lead to ivy bushes lining the cement walls down to the sidewalk. This would be it, I thought. This is where I need to land, as I set my sites on the cracked four reddish-brown tiles that are broken. Just like me. Everything seems to have different meaning these days. It’s all a somber metaphor for my frail, cheesy heart. Everything’s meaning has deepened. I used to love writing essays in school so I could really break things down in depth and get to know the meaning of what I was supposed to write about. It seems like I look at every single thing as a life lesson in an essay format. My mind just never shuts up. And I want it gone, I want it all to go away. My friend comes out for a second to the balcony I stand on. I ask her if I can be alone and she walks back inside after an, “Oh, sure!” I turn back around. It really is a beautiful night. It’s so quiet though, I wonder where everyone is. I start to wonder what would happen if I didn’t die. What if I jump and it just really fucks me up? Story of my life, I can’t get anything right. And, I’m already fucked up just not physically. That’s how badly this depression has taken over. My anxiety has increased, hell all of my symptoms have. Now I’m actually to the point I’d never even considered to be in my entire life. Then I think of my best friend whom I’m so close to it’s like we’re sisters. What would I tell her in my goodbye letter. What would I tell my mom? I hope she’ll be able to make it through this. My entire family even. Do I even have time for a letter to say a goodbye? This still doesn’t make me stop. It makes me hesitate but not stop as I lift my leg over the railing. Swiftly, I put it back down. What if this isn’t the right choice? I think to myself. What if I do this and life had something special planned for me, like maybe I’d get out of this illness. Maybe a life where I’d see all the blessings instead of looking into this horror. Yeah, right. That sounds highly unlikely but nevertheless, still sounds great. At least I’ll have something to dream about if I make it. Putting my leg back up, I hear, “What ARE you DOING?! It’s one of my best friends from the car earlier. “I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know anything anymore.” I started to cry as I sat down, her putting her arm around me. “Are you ok?” She asked. Finally, I was going to come out with it to someone other than my parents. “No,” I said. “I’m not ok anymore. I don’t know what to do.” I told her all about my Dr.s visit and how I get bad thoughts all the time. How my mind frame has changed and none of it’s noteworthy. I tell her about how I cry, almost every night before bed. And sometimes during the day, I get triggered. How I feel like such a failure. How I don’t know what to do, just that I want it to be over. It’s so awful to have such a thing. She comforts me and we sit outside for awhile. The wind hits me and suddenly everything seems so loud. So much so my mind feels a little dizzy. There’s too much going on in there. I just want some peace. I’ve been dealing with these illnesses long enough, I thought. When does this damn thing go away? What if I have to deal with it for life? Or better, how worse off would life be dealing with me in it this whole time? I want out of here.

Cosmos

20

Starry night starry night. The first star I wish upon is in the night tonight. And when I wished and saw that star I swore into the night. It came to twilight’s of twilight’s of stars within sight. Shooting across a sky so bright, the darkness within the supernova of light. A sky of cosmos unyielding from fight. At first I said no, said it with might. But then you came in, came into delight. Leaving me weak, restless and tight, is a soulmate who hears the whispers so light. Telling you the story, of our stories sight, we hold hands simple and tight. Begin upon the journey, our journey within sight. One day we’d wished, with such heart and such might. We may be upon true destiny’s delight. Of a love compacted, eternal hearts ready for flight. One special star waiting for the other tonight. Patience by day, encouraging the night. One heart consumes the other ready to ignite. Fire on Earth, I do’s in soft flight. We take one and other, ready for galaxies plight. We see to each other, no one else done so right. Ready for the path of eternities light. Are the stars upon stars within this starry night.

Angels and Devils

24
Demons and devils plague the earth of a still heart in an angel slowly breathing. She waits as they walk around her, so tempestuous in their marks as they stand still now, eyeing her to be a part of it all. A devil unbeknownst to them, the angel sits in patience waiting for the demons to walk on by. She flirts with the one she cannot see just like she flirts with life and death. Hoping to make a friend in this rampant world she loathes but still must conquer.
I try to walk along in everyday as it may possibly be my last, but also may possibly be the first of my many, that I begin a new life. Where will I turn? I try to let fate decide as I cannot see beyond the devils throne.
Tempers flare as the angel tries to mark her territory amongst the demons hell they’ve happily created. Fires lit and flames held true, tonight is a battle for an angel inside the walls of death. Who will ring true? is the question for an angel impatient ready to squash the demonic road.

A Place

37

If I was a place

i just need to go inside

any place I can hide

and be in the water’s tide

tonight.

so where are all the places

all filled with graces

encompassed with paces

empty foot spaces

along lily pad’s laces

where the water’s edge takes us.

Inside this great vase

a lily pad’s lace

Is the place to go

that is below

where secrecy tows

in the bubbles that blow

as we swim,

into the sold out show

which never ends,

and still can’t bend

wont educate me away.

The only place I have for I

is up there in those skies

Day and night

I dream to fly

living in the starry eyes.